48 +1

Here I sit on the brink of a New Year...literally 8 hours and change left until 2011. I've written 48 posts this calendar year on my blog. That is 4 each month. That was my "promise" to myself as we entered 2010, to continue capturing my journey as a parent. It is scary to realize how much I have forgotten already about Cole's first few years until I read back through my initial blog entries. So the importance of writing here takes on new meaning when I recognize this is where my memories are being stashed.

I don't make resolutions typically as there isn't much I want to change in my life, I'm happy with much of what I've done or do. However, there are things I desire to learn, skills I wish to enhance and items on my "bucket" list and those are things that I think about as we enter another year.

As a mom, I am in a constant state of growth. You cannot be a parent and not be affected by everything your child does (or doesn't do). I find myself either patting myself on the back or questioning what I could do better. I love that I have fostered Cole's love of books by visiting the library EVERY week, it has just become a part of our routine and he expects it. I cringe when he won't say thank you or mutters it looking down at the ground. My heart smiles when he says I love you or kisses my cheek out of the blue. I want to hide when he grabs a toy at playdate or vehemently refuses to share.

There is a steady push/pull dynamic at work most days but I think we have found the proper "formula" to keep things even-keeled a majority of the time. On the days where things are obviously not working in our favor, my patience becomes lost or I raise my voice, the guilt I feel is heavy. So I always (sometimes more quickly than others) follow up with my rascal to reinforce that no matter how angry or frustrated I get, that I always love him. He tells me "he knows that" very matter of factly so I feel assuaged by his confident reply and yet disappointed in myself for feeling that conflicted in the first place.

So though there are many things I wish to learn (to knit for one) or desire to maintain (such as my blogging), I am making a resolution to try and find the teaching opportunity (both for me and my son) in every situation, to take a breath before reacting (or over-reacting) and remember that Cole's presence should make me a better person. Although I want him to grow up understanding the many varied emotions of life, I also hope that he learns that he is in control of his attitude and master of his approach to whatever falls onto his path as he navigates this crazy world.

And with that 49th post, I end 2010 and begin blogging anew in 2011. Cheers!

All aboard...

Several months ago I knew that this Christmas would be the first Christmas that Cole got excited about the holiday and all its magic. Before Halloween, several stores had lights and tinsel and wrapping paper in its aisles and Cole began talking about Santa. Last year, he didn't ask too many questions or inquire about the how's and why's of Santa's deliveries. 2010 has been another tale. He has wanted to know where Santa shops and does he go to Costco since that was where the concrete mixer he wants is at. He looked puzzled everytime we had a fire in our fireplace and wanted to know how Santa wouldn't burn himself when he visited. He learned about reindeer at school and point blank asked me how they were able to fly without wings!

So for several weeks he talked again and again about the Tonka concrete mixer AND then he went to the Monster Truck Jam with Dave in early November and the only thing he wanted was BLUE THUNDER. This ended up as the theme for his birthday and he talked about BLUE THUNDER almost everyday for the rest of the month. We then traveled to Colorado and he met his cousins for the first time and the universe again shifted when he walked into Max's house and he laid eyes on the POLAR EXPRESS TRAIN. Cole has not had a meltdown like he did that afternoon when we had to leave to head back to the hotel probably since he was two. He whined and fussed the entire drive about the POLAR EXPRESS TRAIN and he wanted to know exactly when we would go back to Max's so that he could see it again.

Upon our return to MN, we attempted for the 4th year in a row to have a smiling picture of Cole and Santa. No can do. He froze and wouldn't even look at Santa until much coaxing took place. He muttered and mumbled when Santa asked him what he wanted but he did manage to say he really wanted the POLAR EXPRESS and monster truck. (The concrete mixer had been replaced obviously, too bad Santa had already shopped early).

Anyhow, most of December Cole kept up his incessant questioning of how Santa would know to go to GIGI and POP POP's and would he be able to get BLUE THUNDER since they were difficult to find. We watched POLAR EXPRESS about a week before Christmas on TV and he was captivated and talked about the "bell" in the days after.

Anyway, this was our year of TWO Christmas'...one celebrated a week earlier because we were headed to Pennsylvania to see family for the REAL Christmas. Santa had been notified to deliver Cole's packages there of course! We road tripped it the nearly 20 hours east. Our third big road trip of the year as a family and the 6th (or 7th) for Dave!

Christmas Eve, Cole was all about questions again, peering up the chimney and wanting me to read "Twas the Night Before Christmas" multiple times. Christmas morning we crept down the stairs and he cautiously peeked around the corner and there it was all set up, the POLAR EXPRESS TRAIN...his eyes got big and he hesitated and then said momentarily crestfallen "where's the monster truck?" We replied that other presents may be under the tree and he ran out to my mom and dad's sun porch where the tree was, not seeing anything other than wrapped gifts, he rushed back and exclaimed as if he was seeing again for the first time "SANTA brought me the POLAR EXPRESS TRAIN". He then proceeded to start it up and show POP POP how it worked. He shook the bell that came with it and smiled.

Yes, BLUE THUNDER was indeed under the tree and he was certainly excited about that but the POLAR EXPRESS TRAIN now set up in our playroom and run everyday reminds us all that it is important to just BELIEVE!

The latest Cole quips...

I can barely keep track of Cole's one-liners as of late...he has become quite the comedian. The most amusing aspect is that he is so aware of when he is saying something to get attention versus stating something without that intention. Here is a mix of both his entertaining "Coleisms" as well as just some of his more personal remarks (those he uses more regularly, typically when he is unhappy).

"I love you just a little bit right now"-commonly used when he is doesn't get his way.

"that's a bummer man"-not sure where he heard this, but he uses it correctly and always laughs at himself when he does.

"it's not my favorite"-said every day at every meal, at 4 years old, the most picky child when it comes to food. This is followed by "will it make me sick?"-which makes me cringe since I put so much effort into cooking.

He confuses taking junk to the dump with "can I go with daddy to the junk to dump things?"-although he really isn't that far off it just sounds funny.

When he does something that he knows is bordering on misbehavior but knows he can still push the envelope some he retorts with "I'm little that's what I do".

How can he be FOUR?

Each year I find myself incredulous that Cole is another year older (with an entirely different frame of mind than say when I turn another year older).

His birthday this year seem to sneak up on me. BAM, it was early November and I was in need of planning out his birthday party. On first contemplation I thought a NASCAR theme was going to be the central decor for the cake/paper supplies/balloons only to quickly change gears when he and Dave attended the MONSTER TRUCK Jam and Cole's world became seriously about these crazy trucks with huge wheels and even crazier names.

Every year when I begin this process, I also begin a period of reflection where I look at the past year's photographs of Cole, read through my blog posts about his growth and behavior and review the stack of doodles, school papers, artwork and various clippings, ticket stubs, entry passes and such which offer snippets of the memories and adventures that we/he created/experienced. I have made it a conscious effort since becoming a mom, to bring my camera everywhere, to write each week and to put together yearly scrapbooks as life is so so precious and time is more then obviously fleeting. To have physical evidence of what has transpired and a record of sorts of where he/we were 365 days ago and where he/we are 12 months later has become a more sentimental journey for me (maybe I'm just getting emotionally mushy as approach the BIG 40)

However this year the tears have flowed more easily than ever. I realized thanks to what life had planned for me earlier this year simply how important it is to chronicle and cherish life. My mind flashbacks ever so often to offer me a reminder that I am lucky to still be here, watching my son find his way. And with that forever etched in my fabric I reveled in the celebration of his birthday this year more than before. Watching him run, jump and tumble with his friends, feeling the excited frenzy of ten 4 year olds and seeing the smile on his face as he enjoyed the special attention made my heart warm a dozen times over.

Happy 4th Birthday to my pickle! It is a privilege and blessing to be your mommy! I look forward to what your fifth year has in store for us.

Let's bring back the "magic"...

So several months ago (yes, in early October), Costco began showing Christmas inventory. Ribbons, bows, wrapping paper, light wrapped reindeer...oh my...where the heck were the pumpkins, witches and huge bags of Halloween candy??

Cole and I meandered around because he was already counting down the days until Christmas. I knew that this year would be the first year that he was truly aware and excited about Santa's arrival. He was asking a lot of questions about how Santa would know that we wouldn't be at our house this year but at Gigi and PopPop's. Did Gigi and PopPop have a chimney? He inquired how Santa would know that he wanted the Tonka Concrete Mixer Truck that he was admiring as we walked through the toy section and how would Santa know that he had to come to Costco to get it?

Every subsequent trip we made to Costco in October and November, Cole wanted to rush over to see if the Concrete Mixer was still there. There were fewer and fewer each visit and he was worried that there wouldn't be any left for Santa, since it was still a "long long time" until Christmas. I did my best to assuage his concern saying that Santa had elves that shopped early. We had also written Santa a letter just after Halloween (I just couldn't do it before then)to let him know that he wanted the Concrete Mixer.

Then Cole went to the Monster Truck Jam with Dave in mid-November and Cole's interest turned a 180 degrees. Everything was about Monster Trucks; Blue Thunder was his favorite but Captain's Curse and Grave Digger were close behind. He wanted a Monster Truck birthday cake/party theme. He talked EVERYDAY about crushing cars, vrooming his three small scale monster trucks all around the house. Then one day, he said, "mom, I want a BIG BLUE THUNDER monster truck for Christmas, I don't want the concrete mixer anymore" I said, well, we already wrote to Santa so we need to let him know that you changed your mind. I knew that we were going to see Santa after Thanksgiving at Tonkadale Nursery as he only visited two days there so you can tell him then!

The past three years, Cole had cowered and buried himself in my lap as we approached Santa. I thought briefly that maybe this year things would be different but alas he froze and refused to look at Santa, he mumbled his wishes with much prompting but another year, another shy little boy...who can really blame him? We ask a lot of kids as we teach them to be wary of strangers and yet we expect them to easily embrace a man with a beard and funny clothes who comes around once a year.

It got me thinking...maybe rather than Christmas arriving earlier and earlier every year over saturating us with holiday "cheer" before we have even enjoyed a Kit Kat, Whoppers or Snickers Bar, we need to get back to the basics and bring back the "magic" of Christmas, letting children "believe" in something much bigger than themselves, letting their imaginations create the joy and excitement that I remember feeling on Christmas morning...rather than diluting the "wonder" by having a holiday season that is 3 months in the making...

Out of the mouth of....

We spent our Thanksgiving Day holiday and long weekend in Colorado this year.  Cole had never met Dave's sisters and families (four cousins).   It meant another Denham road trip which we are near experts at executing. This time it was 15 hours each  way including stops.  There wasn't much to look at in Iowa and Nebraska other than vast farmland but the weather was clear which we were thankful for.  Cole and Tucker both are such road trip warriors.  They have spent many many many hours and miles having adventures criss-crossing the country.  This was the first time though that Cole began with "are we there yet? are we in Colorado?  This is taking a lonnnngggg time!" 

For this getaway and to make things easier we stayed in downtown Denver at a dog-friendly hotel.  We had quite a few hours to fill between visits and a whole morning on Thanksgiving to ourselves.  This year, many stores were open and surprisingly (to me) the parking lots were full.  We took advantage of this odd change to holiday tradition (as it seems fewer and fewer people actually get holidays off anymore) and walked around the HUGE Bass Pro Shop Lodge.  Wow, talk about an experience.  Dave and Cole were like two kids running around.  Cole wanted to sit on every ATV, climb in every boat, play with the monster truck display, race cars in the kid's area and sit in the tents.  I was more of a shopper and decided to splurge on a nice windproof jacket.

We drove around a lot to find parks for Cole and Tucker, headed up to Boulder to see the town and have lunch, and spent time with Aunts Katie, Kelley, and Uncle Sean, Dan and the kids, along with of course enjoying a yummy Thanksgiving dinner (green chiles and cilantro under the skin of the turkey, best bird I've ever had) and lively conversation!  We also enjoyed an evening at the Denver Zoo walking around under the festive holiday lights. 

As we headed out early to begin our trek back to Minnesota, we were trying to get things situated in the truck before leaving the hotel garage.  It was dark, cold and we were all tired.   After a wee bit of grumbling, we got on the highway and watched a beautiful sunrise with the snow-capped Rockies bathed in the morning glow.  Cole was all chatty and being quite funny.  Dave and I had been talking and Cole kept coming up with witty remarks.  Dave goes "you have all the answers huh?" and without a moment's hesitation Cole volleys back "yes, that is what I do". 

Would he like a Job??

So Cole and I take the Volvo over to the dealer for its oil change earlier this week.  We got a coupon for $20 off if we came in between 3:30-5:30pm.  Always waiting for a significant deal on anything, this was an easy discount to take them up on.  Borton Volvo has a great kid's play area too so Cole and I dropped off our car in the bay and headed inside.  He wanted to walk around the showroom especially since they had the crash test dummy set up.  He loved the convertible too and wanted to climb inside but I said no, we could only look.  Then he got all excited when he saw a Volvo with its hood up.  He ran over and started running his hand over the exposed engine with its shiny parts.  The manager and a sales guy were chatting a few feet from us and had given us a smile when we first entered.  Cole edged his way slowly around the front and sides of the car, staring wide-eyed at the engine compartment and said quite loudly, "mommy, it is so beautiful".  I laughed out loud and began to reply when one of the two reps go "that was great, does he want a job?".  Cole got shy at this point since he dislikes being the center of attention but was thrilled when the manager brought him over a Volvo scaled-model car.  He takes a look at it after saying thank you and says "but mommy this isn't our Volvo".  The manager goes "wow, he knows his Volvos huh"?

A mom moment...

Cole caught a bug this week, probably thanks to Dave and I who have been coping with it ourselves. Typically Cole is the carrier but I think things happened in reverse this time. They should make light switches, door knobs, kitchen pulls and faucet handles with anti-microbial resistance finishes.  Maybe that will be my million dollar idea!!

With a terribly runny nose, a dry cough and just an overall icky feeling, Cole mustered through our first (of many I'm sure) winter colds.  I will not send him to school with a cough of any sort.  I just won't no matter how it complicates my ability to work.  As for the runny nose, his sensitive skin breaks down with continuous use of tissues so I have special saline wipes and use an arsenal of homeopathic products to try and avoid chapping his skin any further.  He was a trooper and though a little less energetic than usual, he wanted to play and do the things he normally does. 

He doesn't nap anymore and though once in a blue moon he will fall asleep on the couch or in the car midday, by day's end when he is sick, one can anticipate that PATIENCE be on the menu for dinner as his body is DONE and trying to tell him (and everyone else) so.  Bedtime can be difficult as once overtired he almost becomes manic and trying to subdue him can be a test. 

On day three of his cold/cough, he was working on fumes as we finished up reading our books.  He wanted me to snuggle with him.  As I wrapped my arms around him and began to feel his breathing slow (although raspy), he turns to me and says "mommy sing to me".

In that moment, I felt the tears spring to my eyes as it had been many many months since I sang him lullabies.  I used to sing to him every night and then one evening last winter he had said "mommy I don't want you to sing to me anymore".  I remember that so vividly because it was like a dagger to my heart.  It was him sharing that he didn't need that from me anymore.  I also remember replying "okay buddy",  got him settled with lights out and my upbeat "sweet night nights" then leaving his room with tears rolling down my face.

Now he wanted the comfort of my off-tune voice.  Ever so briefly,  my mind scanned itself to bring up the lyrics and melodies of those stashed away lullabies.  I began to hum them at first and soon the words were flowing out.  I sang for 10 minutes or so and watched his face soften and his hands go limp.  I would have stayed there all night and sang to him.  I was so touched that in his sickness he still needed something from me that was far beyond providing a sleeve to wipe his nose on.  It was certainly another mom moment...

My Little "Maverick"

We went to the Air Show in St. Cloud in June and we ended up spending the entire day there since there was so many jaw-dropping aeronautics taking place.  The Blue Angels and the Stealth Fighter Jet were the most amazing.  We were on the hunt for the Blue Angels replica jet as soon as we saw another little boy with one.  Cole is still playing with it though its one wing has been superglued together numerous times.

I got the idea for Cole's Halloween costume after attending that show as I thought how cool that would be to dress up in a jumpsuit with patches, a helmet and dog tags.  Cole's grandfather Denham and Great-Grandfather Roger were both military pilots.  So I searched high and low until I found what I wanted.

Halloween is still a bit challenging for Cole since he is wary of strangers and understandably questions why we want him to dress up and go up to the doors of people he doesn't know to get candy (and he doesn't like candy except for lollipops) but I think in due time, he will begin to embrace the holiday.

My little observer...

Driving back from school one day last week, we were on Rt. 394 and the winds were howling. The low pressure storm that had sat on us for two days had brought down tree branches and made the house shake. I had both hands on the steering wheel trying to keep the Volvo from being blown into the other lanes. The gusts could quite literally do that as I watched other cars less prepared sway in and out like they were being driven by drunk drivers.

Cole and I got off the highway headed towards home and a plastic bag swirled up out of nowhere and came directly at the car. It bounced off the Volvo's hood and danced away as if twirling to a symphony. From the back seat I heard Cole pipe up and say matter of factly "well, that's not something you see everyday". As I cracked up at his adult-like observation, he looked at me as I smiled at him in the rear-view mirror and in all seriousness said "well, you don't".

My little "fix-it" man...

Super-Glue, scotch tape, a dedicated drawer of batteries, doll-house sized tools and some engineering mom magic have saved many of Cole's toys from landing in the trash. I make a diligent attempt at salvaging whatever truck/car/engine/digger has malfunctioned, lost a part, stopped turning or whirling or is just dying a slow death due to its much-loved status. I swear that the quality control they use for testing the 3-5 year old BOY range of toys doesn't come close to reality. How many stairs do they drop them down? Do they truly put them through front end "crashes"? Are they stepped on repetitively? Is every part that moves twisted and turned a billion times?

Typically he is my captive audience as I mumble and moan inwardly (or not so inwardly) trying to either jury rig a fix, remove a screw the size of a pin head or prevent Super-Glu from touching anything other than the intended target (I'm successful 6/10 times on that since the parts are so tiny that the pliers slip 6/10 times).

Cole peppers me with questions (as I continue to try to keep my potty mouth from actually escaping my lips) and I do my best to describe what I am doing and why since he is so curious about EVERYTHING. Sometimes I can give the toy back after it has been through the "mom shop" but other times I have to prop it up to dry or set. Cole looks longingly at it and asks every minute "is it ready yet?"

Cole is as careful as a four year old boy can be expected to be with his things but unfortunately he is learning that sometimes things cannot be repaired, that his mom will give a valiant effort but in the end, sometimes we have to just simply say good-bye and adopt the next item with wheels from the playbin. Luckily, though he does have allegiance to a handful of toys, he is still young enough that he gets over his grief quickly.

So the other day, I hear him tinkering around downstairs while I am prepping dinner. As most moms can relate to, the normal sounds of play are what we unconsciously "listen" for. No matter how involved we may be in whatever activity we are engaged in, if it gets too quiet or the "sounds" are unfamiliar, an immediate investigation is required.

It had gotten eerily quiet and when I called down to him, he didn't answer BUT I could hear him moving around. I dropped the onion I was chopping and grabbed the kitchen towel, ran down the stairs and found Cole near my desk with a truck in his hand whose bumper had come off. He gave me a sheepish smile until I started laughing uncontrollably whereas a huge grin erupted on his cute mug. He had taken the scotch tape from my office and torn off about 25 itty bitty pieces and plastered the bumper back on. He held it out to me and said "look mom, I fixed it"!! The bumper was still hanging off precariously but he was all proud of himself for taking the initiative. I was so proud of him for doing the same that I felt tears well up in my eyes.

143 Posts...

It has been three years this month that I began writing pieces for this blog, THREE YEARS...holy toledo, that is 36 months of capturing in words my role as a first time mom and approximately 1080 days of content for sharing snippets of our lives as Cole experienced the world around him and we came along for the ride.

My original posts tended to lean heavy on what becoming a mom meant to my identity, as it seemed in a flash I was no longer who I had been before December 6, 2006. My name was the same, my face was the same but internally I felt like a stranger in my own skin. In those early years, Cole's presence I felt right down to my bones, literally and figuratively. I will never forget those initial months when his colic ruled my every waking hour. It was the most all encompassing period that my heart, mind and soul had ever been forced to reckon with. There was so much change to so many aspects of my life that I was both overwhelmed and overjoyed and trying to find a happy medium. The roller coaster of emotions in that first year or two was truly life altering and though I knew as I held Cole in my arms the night of his delivery that I would never be the same, I could have never have been less prepared for what was ahead of me. Parenthood shapes you without a doubt, some days like a bat whacking you over the head, while other days it comes at you gently like falling rain.


The intensity of parenthood is constantly changing, its dynamics insisting on shifting when you least anticipate it and for someone like me who previously liked life to be in neat bundles, scheduled and expected, becoming a mom has been a lesson about living in the present and reveling in the moment(s)because I already find myself pondering "where have the past four years gone"?

Life is much easier these days and my blog posts now are more about the quirky, witty, smart and funny "stuff" that Cole entertains us with. He is a comedian, a scientist, a bookworm, a picky eater, a giggler, a snuggler and very much a BOY! I'm so lucky and grateful everyday for having him grace our lives.

He can do so many things without me now and though a relief in large part, a sadness envelopes me at times when I think of things he no longer needs me for. The push and pull of his growth and development is a constant reminder that Cole is forging his way in this crazy world and finding the ways in which he can best navigate life's maze. Thankfully, for now, he does still need my guiding hand.

So I look forward to the next 143 posts as a raise my rascal one day at a time...