Christmas traditions...

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, Christmas Eve in particular. For as long as I can reach back into my memory, I always loved sitting in the dark on Xmas Eve, watching the tree twinkle with its lights and sparkle with its ornaments, absorbing the peace and calm before the spirited festivities began.

I have a multitude of notable Christmas memories, here are some to share:

I remember Dad stringing the lights on our trees, I remember Abby our cat mingling around and spending most of the month of December underneath it, I remember visits to Santa at LuLu Country Club, I remember Mom baking dozens of butter cookies using the pastry bag and creating gingerbread houses, I remember getting dressed up and going to NYC on the train for the day when Dad worked there for his company's family holiday party, I remember lighting candles ever so carefully during Xmas Eve church service, I remember goodies placed on the hearth and notes written to Santa (and the crumbs and soot left behind by him the next morning), I remember the feeling of anticipation that my sister and I had as we scurried to bed so excited about Santa coming while we slept, I remember squinting at the bright lights of the video camera as Dad captured us running down the stairs at some ungodly early hour on Christmas Mornings, I remember kitchen sets and doll houses and bikes, I remember stockings brimming over with surprises, I remember so very much and cherish that I have those memories.

Now that I find myself a parent, I want to create traditions and holiday moments for Cole, so he too will be able to "remember" some day as I do about my childhood Christmas' holidays. I look forward to the years ahead when Cole becomes caught up in the magic and the wonder of Christmas and creates recollections of his very own.

My patience pass must have expired...

I do not want anyone who checks in on my blog to think I only write about the positive, uplifting and cheery aspects of being a mommy. Tonight, I sit down to craft a post after almost two weeks of not having a spare ounce of energy left at the end of my days.

Cole has decided that he loves me soooooooo much that he cannot be out of my line of sight. This means that he has become a newly attached appendage to my already weary frame. We are experiencing separation anxiety at its finest (which is an oxymoron of grand proportions). I have read and researched all about this phase and now bear the knowledge that the more secure an emotional bond he has to me the worse this anxiety can become. It is not because he is not exposed to others as I have made it an almost daily ritual to be around other babies, moms, his swim instructor, our mommy and me class moderator, all of whom he sees and is held by every week and I have our babysitter Brodie every Monday afternoon so I can disappear for a few hours. No, it is because my little guy is very smart and is learning object permanence which is that when I am out of sight, I still exist. However, he has yet to grasp the concept of time, thus if I leave his field of vision to grab something out of the refrigerator, he does not know that I will be right back.

All the experts say it shows that a healthy bond has developed and that in time, most babies who have separation anxiety actually become more independent than those who do not. To me though, it is like reliving his colic stage all over again. I say that because his behavior is inconsistent and unpredictable which makes planning a day very difficult. We can have a totally great day with no episodes OR a day where I literally carry him around for hours on end or listen to him scream when I put him down. It is taxing and on those days, I am running on adrenaline. When Cole had colic his first four months of life, I was given some miraculous dose of patience as I typically am not a very patient individual. It was a surprise to me but a very thankful one to get me through those 16 weeks. Now I feel the situation is similar but my patience reserves no longer exist. I am finding myself agitated and frustrated beyond belief. When he was an infant, I could put him down and he was not able to crawl or walk as he does now.

The sheer panic in his eyes is enough to melt my heart every time but the sheer amount of energy it takes to quiet that panic on a bad day is overwhelming. I know this will pass and I take solace in the fact that he has become very much the snuggle buddy but sometimes I just need a bit of personal space which is something you cannot explain to a one year old. Becoming a mom means making sacrifices so I grit my teeth and shed a few tears and just remember to be thankful that my little boy loves me so much!

Where do I begin?

Here I am on the eve of Cole's first birthday. This past week leading up to tomorrow has be an emotional one for me which I had not anticipated. I knew that this milestone would be an important event, thus so for so many reasons but the feelings that have welled up inside me have surprised me nonetheless.

I have been reading entries from the journal I have kept this year documenting the journey of becoming a parent and mom. I am so thankful that I have been dedicated to keeping my thoughts and memories as they occurred because my mind has somehow already diluted them. I assume the past fades to allow room for the future. Regardless, to read how I felt at various points throughout Cole's first year brought a rush of nostalgia. How is it possible that twelve months have passed since I labored and delivered our son? I do remember so keenly on this exact evening last December as the excitement grew (despite the pain and the unexpectedness of my emergency C-section) as Dave and I anxiously waited to find out what the gender would be of our baby. I had felt from the very day I found out we were pregnant that a little fellow was our destiny but until I heard the words "it's a boy", I could not 100% trust my intuition.

To define the past twelve months would be impossible. There truly are no words or sentiments to sum up what it feels like to welcome a baby into the world and watch it grow and change before your eyes. I have never experienced so many challenges, joys, frustrations or awe inducing moments as I have this past year. Cole has brought to my life a depth and dimension that only can be described as inspiring.

Despite fumbling at times as I navigate motherhood, I am proud, so proud of how I have managed the twists and turns, the curves and jumps, and the peaks and the valleys of Cole's first year. The myriad and dynamic changes to my life has brought me to a new high. The realization that everyday is a new day has taken on greater meaning for me as Cole shares his perspective on the world. It is so easy to take for granted minutes and hours as we as adults become numb and jaded over time. The sheer innocence of an infant came wipe that slate clean and bring a renewed sense of priorities and vision. I am so grateful for the lessons he continues to teach me.

I know he will not have a recollection of his first year but I will never forget it. Happy First Birthday Cole Roger Denham. I love you with all that I am. Thank you for making me a mom.

The ONE and ONLY Cole...

There are so many things that make Cole Roger Denham the ONE and ONLY Cole Roger Denham. As we approach his first birthday which is next week (HOLY COW!!), here are just a few of my favorite traits about him.

#1 His toothy million dollar smile

#2 The way he looks over his shoulder as he scurries towards danger with the "catch me if you can" twinkle in his eye.

#3 His utter glee at watching Tucker do anything

#4 His love of looking out the front and back door with both hands pressed up against the glass

#5 The fact that he knows when I lower him from his highchair after dinner that it is bath time. He hears the running water and heads towards the bathroom as I attempt to get his messy clothes off.

#6 That very much like his mom, he is way cranky after a nap until fully awake.

#7 The manner in which he explores and plays independently all the while very aware of when I enter or leave the room.

#8 When the tension in his little body eases, his breathing deepens and serenity takes over his face as I hold and rock him in the quiet of his nursery

#9 The determination and intensity in his expressions as he perfects any new skill

#10 The infectious giggle he has when he finds something unexpectedly funny

#11 His ability to beam at me with his contagious smile as I attempt to dissuade him from any number of dangerous situations with a stern "NO"

#12 The fact that his tone and inflection as he babbles is so appropriate in context that I am just waiting for a full sentence to come tumbling out!

#13 The fearless wonder he exudes as he views life from his unfiltered vantage point.