Change is in the air...

May 1st is less than six weeks away and I am feeling anxious about that. I have spent the past 16 months spending more time with Cole than anyone else in my almost 37 years. I have acted as his playmate, his chef, his stylist, his chauffeur, his librarian, his housekeeper, his nurse but most importantly as his steady companion.

It has been much to my surprise how becoming a mom has fundamentally changed my entire outlook on life. To explain my existence now in words is at times impossible as the emotions and deep bond are just too complex to organize into simple declarations.

I have been beyond lucky to be able to have stayed home with him and formed such a consistent presence in his life. That stated, my apprehension grows as the date approaches for Cole to begin his toddler Montessori program three days a week. My fears have begun to sprout like weeds and for a few moments every day I begin to question my/our decision to enter Cole at OMS. No one knows Cole like I do and that is a blessing and a curse for me. I find myself with a litany of concerns as we enter this new territory. My fierce protective mothering nature is going into overdrive. How will he be without me for hours as some days lately he can't seem to get enough of me? How will he adjust to THEIR naptime, not his? How will he be eating with and around other children? How will they discipline him when he doesn't want to share? Will they sing to him when they change his diaper like I do? Will they hold his little hand and smooch his tears away when he hurts himself? Will he thrive under the Montessori method and constructs or will it be too different than what he has become accustomed too?

So many of the things I have come to take for granted as we interact every day will change for him. I know this is vital for his continuing development but as his mommy it frightens me and makes me sad. The separation will be harder on me than him without a doubt. It is the beginning of making the thousand of choices that are in his best interest but require a release of control on my part.

So my uneasiness needs to take a backseat regardless of how valid my feelings are. His future caregivers come highly recommended and my various visits to the school have never been awkward or left me concerned on any level. It is time for Cole to be exposed to a new environment, to have fresh experiences, to make new friends and learn about his world outside of his mother's eyes. I have done my very best in providing a creative, sensory, variable and challenging "playground" but my capabilities only allow for one vision and my/our wish is to offer Cole as many as we can until he is able to uniquely formulate his own.

My mom togs...

I used to pride myself on dressing well and stylishly whether I was out for a casual dinner with friends, professionally attired for work or just out running errands. It is amazing how having a baby/toddler has changed my approach to what I wear in 15 months time.

In years past I spent money on Ann Taylor suits,leather shoes and fashionable jewelry. My weekend jaunts to the suburbs were for finding steals on designer clothes at TJ Maxx and Marshalls. Now my once relatively hip closet is full of cargo pants, cords and jeans with a vast assortment of machine washable t-shirts and fleeces.

Thus I have a collection of perfectly beautiful clothes stashed away in storage. I struggle with what to keep (or more appropriately with what still fits)in hopes that someday I can wear some of my pre-Cole wardrobe again.

The upside to my cotton and polyester switch is that our dry cleaning bills have been drastically slashed and are solely as a result of Dave's needs not mine. I rarely wear cashmere sweaters or anything silk as I normally have a shoulder of snot stains where Cole nuzzled after a tantrum and/or sticky fingerprint smears on my sleeves.

I told myself when I was pregnant that I would not get caught in the sweatshirt and gym pants "mommy look" and I have kept that promise. I did not want to let myself drop to the level of actually looking like I had a baby at home who has me running on fumes most days. I rationalize that only other moms can recognize the dried bits of carrots and peas and snail trails of mucous on my top that have me looking like an odd art project. I used to check for telltale stains before leaving to run errands as I normally had to grab a washcloth to wipe away what I could without changing. Now I don't bother half of the time as getting out the door is challenging enough. Occasionally while walking in Target, I'll catch a glimpse of myself in a glass case or long mirror and find a yogurt dappled handprint on the back of my pants. Months ago I would be mortified, now I just shrug and keep to my task list knowing I have limited time before Cole fidgets his way sideways in the cart and begins reaching for objects on the shelves. My priorities have shifted and getting errands done in record time is way more vital than worrying about what complete strangers think of my spotted apparel.

Catching Cole...

Cole is nearly impossible to capture on camera since he is in constant motion. I have to be able to walk backwards, sideways and leap over small objects blindly in order to take photos or record any video clip of him. It is like completing an obstacle course. I have a whole new resume of life skills since Cole became mobile. My reward is catching him in a random moment to share with you all. Here is one of him where he was slowed down by the body to boot ratio! Enjoy!

Spotlight on Cole...

Awhile back after a discussion with my mom friends during our weekly playgroup about professional photos of our wee ones I began to feel guilt lurking in the parental lobe of my brain. I had never signed up at any of the typical venues for the 3, 6, 9, 12 month photo packages. Dave and I have taken hundreds of candids with our beloved digital camera and up until now I had felt confident that we captured many of the moments, expressions and personality of our lil guy!

That said, I began to feel that maybe it was time to have Cole sit (HA HA!!) for a session especially since he has so much character and had reached his first milestone birthday. My hope was twofold, that having someone else photograph Cole would reveal a special alternative to the everyday photos I was used to taking AND in the process it would quell the silly guilt I was experiencing for not previously shelling out the cash for quarterly formal images.

With this on my TO DO list, and as always with a new endeavor I did my due diligence, researched several studios and found a photographer whose portfolio was in sync with my vision of more artistic and random photos of Cole rather than the posed versions that were common for his age group.

I was apprehensive that Cole would not be a cooperative subject as he rarely remains in one place for more than two seconds and prefers to meander when in a new environment. Surprisingly despite Cole being quite a crab apple and clinging to me like a monkey for the first fifteen minutes, Jennifer and her wonderful staff who were familiar with the unpredictable nature of an independent toddler managed to get Cole comfortable and thus he was able to show his many faces. Ultimately though Cole controlled the shoot and did what he wanted when he wanted. As you can see he is STANDING on the bench rather than sitting which he hasn't done since he began crawling. So I crouched off to the side so I could react if he teetered too close to the edge and chased him around most of our hour with our photog!