Change is in the air...

May 1st is less than six weeks away and I am feeling anxious about that. I have spent the past 16 months spending more time with Cole than anyone else in my almost 37 years. I have acted as his playmate, his chef, his stylist, his chauffeur, his librarian, his housekeeper, his nurse but most importantly as his steady companion.

It has been much to my surprise how becoming a mom has fundamentally changed my entire outlook on life. To explain my existence now in words is at times impossible as the emotions and deep bond are just too complex to organize into simple declarations.

I have been beyond lucky to be able to have stayed home with him and formed such a consistent presence in his life. That stated, my apprehension grows as the date approaches for Cole to begin his toddler Montessori program three days a week. My fears have begun to sprout like weeds and for a few moments every day I begin to question my/our decision to enter Cole at OMS. No one knows Cole like I do and that is a blessing and a curse for me. I find myself with a litany of concerns as we enter this new territory. My fierce protective mothering nature is going into overdrive. How will he be without me for hours as some days lately he can't seem to get enough of me? How will he adjust to THEIR naptime, not his? How will he be eating with and around other children? How will they discipline him when he doesn't want to share? Will they sing to him when they change his diaper like I do? Will they hold his little hand and smooch his tears away when he hurts himself? Will he thrive under the Montessori method and constructs or will it be too different than what he has become accustomed too?

So many of the things I have come to take for granted as we interact every day will change for him. I know this is vital for his continuing development but as his mommy it frightens me and makes me sad. The separation will be harder on me than him without a doubt. It is the beginning of making the thousand of choices that are in his best interest but require a release of control on my part.

So my uneasiness needs to take a backseat regardless of how valid my feelings are. His future caregivers come highly recommended and my various visits to the school have never been awkward or left me concerned on any level. It is time for Cole to be exposed to a new environment, to have fresh experiences, to make new friends and learn about his world outside of his mother's eyes. I have done my very best in providing a creative, sensory, variable and challenging "playground" but my capabilities only allow for one vision and my/our wish is to offer Cole as many as we can until he is able to uniquely formulate his own.