I began this BLOG just over a year ago. Initially, I wanted to attempt to keep my love of writing alive despite feeling that many of my brain cells had been hijacked since becoming a mother. I desired to create a personal goal for myself beyond my duties as a new parent. Being a stay at home mom, I report to no one (though I think my 2 year old now thinks he is in charge) and though I thought I wouldn't miss the critique of colleagues surprisingly I do. Aside from a paycheck, working kept my mind acute and with motivation to continue to grow. Now I am my own boss running the show, something that has been much more difficult than I ever imagined.
I thought it would be ambitious for me to produce a weekly post (it was and is) despite having tons of material. What I have found over the past 13 months of posting to my BLOG is that I do LOVE to write but that finding time amidst the chaos of a week has been challenging. Ideas for posts come to me as Cole continues to teach me about so many things and the words flow easily in my head as I watch him experience his world. However quite often while sitting down to put fingers to keyboard the words that came so readily just days or hours before seem to dissolve into thin air much like a dream that seems so vivid you know you'll remember it and yet seconds later it is gone from memory.
Being at home with Cole means an unpredictable schedule, thus TRUE free time is fleeting. I have so many "holes" in the day where I have to grab snippets of an hour when Cole is occupied and engaged in playing to do anything productive. Thus, I find myself yearning desperately for an uninterrupted stretch to just THINK.
The whole 60-75 minutes that Cole naps seems to vanish before I have even had the time to eat lunch. I am constantly in a state of "rush", vainly seeking to fully complete several tasks in a short span of time. The normal outcome is that several things get partially started/finished. My day is piece mealed (I don't think that is even a verb but I am using it) together like a patchwork quilt. I have had to readjust my own expectations of what a productive day is as how things were measured in my past are now no longer measured by the same standards.
Yes, my life is different now, responsibilities, priorities and even successes have been redefined by becoming a parent. I can feel selfish for a time wondering where and when I'll get more than a few hours reprieve but then I remark on how lucky I am to be a mom at all and my self pity dissipates. I take a breath (or two or three) and look back on my day, declaring how successful it truly has been. Here are just a few of today's triumphs.
Listening to Cole make animal sounds as he recognizes their pictures in the book; watching in awe as he lines up all his cars face forward, with all the red ones together;laughing as he excitedly says "I did it" as he puts his hat on sideways; gazing in wonder as he gazes in wonder at the snowflakes falling.
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