It has taken me about a month to be able to collect my thoughts enough to sit down and journal the events that have transpired since I last blogged. I am not sure where or how to begin to chronicle my continuous jumble of emotions or to make sense out of the chaos in my mind but I figure as words have provided solace in the past, maybe they will offer to mollify some of my heartache.
It is always a strange feeling when life changes on a dime because the equilibrium that one precariously perches on to balance their everyday is knocked off its controlled teeter totter. It is nearly impossible to find an adequate analogy that any drastic and instant shock to every aspect of your life can best be described as but I think being thrown unexpectedly blindfolded onto a highway and asked to find your way to safety comes as close as I can find.
On January 17 my world as I knew it came dangerously close to becoming but a memory.
That day started off as it typically does for the Denhams on a Sunday morning. Lounging around in pajamas, Cole and I had burrowed under blankets watching PBS kids. (It was chilly in our finished basement as despite the heat being set at 68 it was no competition to the subzero temperatures that lurked around and pressed in on our house from the outside looking for every crack and crevice to invade).
Since Cole doesn't sit for more than 10 minutes at a time, we also crashed cars, derailed trains, raced trucks and bulldozed blocks. Dave was out running to train for his April marathon. He prefers to run outside than deal with the monotony of a treadmill though even I thought he was a bit loony to be running in this kind of weather. The day continued as "normal"...Dave came home frozen like a popsicle, showered up and was now multi-tasking enjoying his attempt to read the Sunday newspaper and indulge Cole's pleas to play at the same time. I had sent out few emails, worked on our new budget sheet, downloaded some pictures and folded some laundry.
Two things were different about that particular Sunday; first, Cole had just gotten over a bad stomach bug the end of that week. In his three years, he has maybe thrown up mildly twice. Dave and I were at a loss when he retched again and again; piles of sheets/duvets/blankets/clothes we had gone through, poor kiddo didn't know what was going on and was weak and without appetite for a few days. Second, I was 7 weeks pregnant and terribly concerned that I too would get his tummy ails but I had been crossing my fingers and hoping to avoid the misery that my little guy had mustered through.
We had found out our "news" on my birthday all but three weeks earlier. I was late and very "regular" with my cycles. We had been trying for months and bottom line I just had a feeling but I waited until the expected didn't occur. Sure enough, two lines confirmed that sperm had met egg! YEAH! We celebrated more than just my birthday that evening knowing that our lives were on the path to CHANGE! I knew being three year older that it was probably wise to remain relatively hush-hush but the excitement for us was palpable so of course I shared with my inner circle of friends and family. Unlike my pregnancy with Cole where I got silly tired and crazy sick at six weeks and remained so until almost fourteen weeks, I seemed to be free of nausea and fatigue which actually made me uneasy. I remarked on this to several people who said that their pregnancies were unlike the other. This placated me to a degree as I was hoping I would be blessed with an easy 10 months since my first go felt more like an unending marathon.
My initial OB/baby check appointment was scheduled for January 26. I had taken two additional pregnancy tests which came up faster and bluer each time so I had to take comfort viewing those and wait until my HCG levels in the lab supported what the over the counter Target version was telling me!
Back to that Sunday... anyone who knows me well, knows I don't really lounge around much, I am a worker bee and between intervals entertaining Cole, I was up, down and all around the house as usual. On probably the 19th trip that day coming up the basement stairs, I literally in the 10 seconds from bottom step to top step, felt this overwhelming wave of nausea...I thought "here we go", I asked for this and here it is...by the time I made it through the kitchen, I thought I was going to pass out, so I literally laid down in the hallway on the runner and weakly called for Dave...I was having trouble focusing and had what I can best explain as the "spins"...I was hot and sweaty and cold and clammy all at the same time, so I began thinking, "great, I got Cole's GI bug"...I managed to crawl into the bathroom, I was terribly nauseated and had what felt like gas cramps, so I just hung out on the bathroom floor for a time...after what felt like the longest 20 minutes the "spins" began to ease off...
I shakily made my way upstairs to bed and though the cramps and the dizziness remained they had retreated enough in intensity that I was able to eventually fall asleep. Two hours or so later I awoke feeling like I had been mowed over by a freight train but not feeling nearly as ill as I had earlier. I wandered downstairs and cuddled with Cole on the couch. I had startled myself as I walked by the mirror into our family room, I looked like Casper the ghost but I was assuming that indeed I contracted Cole's tummy bug and knew there was probably more spasms/episodes to come.
Not even 30 minutes later, I could feel the same wave coming back but with a greater intensity. I made it to the bathroom again, thinking I was going to throw up and have some serious tummy trouble at the same time. At this point, my mind was racing telling me this was more serious than I had previously thought. I began struggling to stay upright, every movement became an effort. My color had turned gray and I knew I had to get to the ER. Dave was remaining calm but I could see the anxiety in his face never having seen me like this. Like before, the cramps/wooziness were easing off and I wanted to take this opportunity to get to the car. Dave packed up himself and Cole having no true idea what exactly to bring. He knew the essentials but to plan for the unknown is very difficult especially under duress. I had workout clothes on as I was planning on going to the gym before this all occurred. There was no way I could even think of changing, I was blinking to steady myself and I kept muttering "what the heck is wrong with me"...I was beginning to panic which wasn't helping. The surge of nausea, abdominal pain and faintness returned suddenly and we came close to calling an ambulance but I was determined to get there without the fanfare.
To be continued since it is just too much for one post...
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