48 +1

Here I sit on the brink of a New Year...literally 8 hours and change left until 2011. I've written 48 posts this calendar year on my blog. That is 4 each month. That was my "promise" to myself as we entered 2010, to continue capturing my journey as a parent. It is scary to realize how much I have forgotten already about Cole's first few years until I read back through my initial blog entries. So the importance of writing here takes on new meaning when I recognize this is where my memories are being stashed.

I don't make resolutions typically as there isn't much I want to change in my life, I'm happy with much of what I've done or do. However, there are things I desire to learn, skills I wish to enhance and items on my "bucket" list and those are things that I think about as we enter another year.

As a mom, I am in a constant state of growth. You cannot be a parent and not be affected by everything your child does (or doesn't do). I find myself either patting myself on the back or questioning what I could do better. I love that I have fostered Cole's love of books by visiting the library EVERY week, it has just become a part of our routine and he expects it. I cringe when he won't say thank you or mutters it looking down at the ground. My heart smiles when he says I love you or kisses my cheek out of the blue. I want to hide when he grabs a toy at playdate or vehemently refuses to share.

There is a steady push/pull dynamic at work most days but I think we have found the proper "formula" to keep things even-keeled a majority of the time. On the days where things are obviously not working in our favor, my patience becomes lost or I raise my voice, the guilt I feel is heavy. So I always (sometimes more quickly than others) follow up with my rascal to reinforce that no matter how angry or frustrated I get, that I always love him. He tells me "he knows that" very matter of factly so I feel assuaged by his confident reply and yet disappointed in myself for feeling that conflicted in the first place.

So though there are many things I wish to learn (to knit for one) or desire to maintain (such as my blogging), I am making a resolution to try and find the teaching opportunity (both for me and my son) in every situation, to take a breath before reacting (or over-reacting) and remember that Cole's presence should make me a better person. Although I want him to grow up understanding the many varied emotions of life, I also hope that he learns that he is in control of his attitude and master of his approach to whatever falls onto his path as he navigates this crazy world.

And with that 49th post, I end 2010 and begin blogging anew in 2011. Cheers!

All aboard...

Several months ago I knew that this Christmas would be the first Christmas that Cole got excited about the holiday and all its magic. Before Halloween, several stores had lights and tinsel and wrapping paper in its aisles and Cole began talking about Santa. Last year, he didn't ask too many questions or inquire about the how's and why's of Santa's deliveries. 2010 has been another tale. He has wanted to know where Santa shops and does he go to Costco since that was where the concrete mixer he wants is at. He looked puzzled everytime we had a fire in our fireplace and wanted to know how Santa wouldn't burn himself when he visited. He learned about reindeer at school and point blank asked me how they were able to fly without wings!

So for several weeks he talked again and again about the Tonka concrete mixer AND then he went to the Monster Truck Jam with Dave in early November and the only thing he wanted was BLUE THUNDER. This ended up as the theme for his birthday and he talked about BLUE THUNDER almost everyday for the rest of the month. We then traveled to Colorado and he met his cousins for the first time and the universe again shifted when he walked into Max's house and he laid eyes on the POLAR EXPRESS TRAIN. Cole has not had a meltdown like he did that afternoon when we had to leave to head back to the hotel probably since he was two. He whined and fussed the entire drive about the POLAR EXPRESS TRAIN and he wanted to know exactly when we would go back to Max's so that he could see it again.

Upon our return to MN, we attempted for the 4th year in a row to have a smiling picture of Cole and Santa. No can do. He froze and wouldn't even look at Santa until much coaxing took place. He muttered and mumbled when Santa asked him what he wanted but he did manage to say he really wanted the POLAR EXPRESS and monster truck. (The concrete mixer had been replaced obviously, too bad Santa had already shopped early).

Anyhow, most of December Cole kept up his incessant questioning of how Santa would know to go to GIGI and POP POP's and would he be able to get BLUE THUNDER since they were difficult to find. We watched POLAR EXPRESS about a week before Christmas on TV and he was captivated and talked about the "bell" in the days after.

Anyway, this was our year of TWO Christmas'...one celebrated a week earlier because we were headed to Pennsylvania to see family for the REAL Christmas. Santa had been notified to deliver Cole's packages there of course! We road tripped it the nearly 20 hours east. Our third big road trip of the year as a family and the 6th (or 7th) for Dave!

Christmas Eve, Cole was all about questions again, peering up the chimney and wanting me to read "Twas the Night Before Christmas" multiple times. Christmas morning we crept down the stairs and he cautiously peeked around the corner and there it was all set up, the POLAR EXPRESS TRAIN...his eyes got big and he hesitated and then said momentarily crestfallen "where's the monster truck?" We replied that other presents may be under the tree and he ran out to my mom and dad's sun porch where the tree was, not seeing anything other than wrapped gifts, he rushed back and exclaimed as if he was seeing again for the first time "SANTA brought me the POLAR EXPRESS TRAIN". He then proceeded to start it up and show POP POP how it worked. He shook the bell that came with it and smiled.

Yes, BLUE THUNDER was indeed under the tree and he was certainly excited about that but the POLAR EXPRESS TRAIN now set up in our playroom and run everyday reminds us all that it is important to just BELIEVE!

The latest Cole quips...

I can barely keep track of Cole's one-liners as of late...he has become quite the comedian. The most amusing aspect is that he is so aware of when he is saying something to get attention versus stating something without that intention. Here is a mix of both his entertaining "Coleisms" as well as just some of his more personal remarks (those he uses more regularly, typically when he is unhappy).

"I love you just a little bit right now"-commonly used when he is doesn't get his way.

"that's a bummer man"-not sure where he heard this, but he uses it correctly and always laughs at himself when he does.

"it's not my favorite"-said every day at every meal, at 4 years old, the most picky child when it comes to food. This is followed by "will it make me sick?"-which makes me cringe since I put so much effort into cooking.

He confuses taking junk to the dump with "can I go with daddy to the junk to dump things?"-although he really isn't that far off it just sounds funny.

When he does something that he knows is bordering on misbehavior but knows he can still push the envelope some he retorts with "I'm little that's what I do".

How can he be FOUR?

Each year I find myself incredulous that Cole is another year older (with an entirely different frame of mind than say when I turn another year older).

His birthday this year seem to sneak up on me. BAM, it was early November and I was in need of planning out his birthday party. On first contemplation I thought a NASCAR theme was going to be the central decor for the cake/paper supplies/balloons only to quickly change gears when he and Dave attended the MONSTER TRUCK Jam and Cole's world became seriously about these crazy trucks with huge wheels and even crazier names.

Every year when I begin this process, I also begin a period of reflection where I look at the past year's photographs of Cole, read through my blog posts about his growth and behavior and review the stack of doodles, school papers, artwork and various clippings, ticket stubs, entry passes and such which offer snippets of the memories and adventures that we/he created/experienced. I have made it a conscious effort since becoming a mom, to bring my camera everywhere, to write each week and to put together yearly scrapbooks as life is so so precious and time is more then obviously fleeting. To have physical evidence of what has transpired and a record of sorts of where he/we were 365 days ago and where he/we are 12 months later has become a more sentimental journey for me (maybe I'm just getting emotionally mushy as approach the BIG 40)

However this year the tears have flowed more easily than ever. I realized thanks to what life had planned for me earlier this year simply how important it is to chronicle and cherish life. My mind flashbacks ever so often to offer me a reminder that I am lucky to still be here, watching my son find his way. And with that forever etched in my fabric I reveled in the celebration of his birthday this year more than before. Watching him run, jump and tumble with his friends, feeling the excited frenzy of ten 4 year olds and seeing the smile on his face as he enjoyed the special attention made my heart warm a dozen times over.

Happy 4th Birthday to my pickle! It is a privilege and blessing to be your mommy! I look forward to what your fifth year has in store for us.

Let's bring back the "magic"...

So several months ago (yes, in early October), Costco began showing Christmas inventory. Ribbons, bows, wrapping paper, light wrapped reindeer...oh my...where the heck were the pumpkins, witches and huge bags of Halloween candy??

Cole and I meandered around because he was already counting down the days until Christmas. I knew that this year would be the first year that he was truly aware and excited about Santa's arrival. He was asking a lot of questions about how Santa would know that we wouldn't be at our house this year but at Gigi and PopPop's. Did Gigi and PopPop have a chimney? He inquired how Santa would know that he wanted the Tonka Concrete Mixer Truck that he was admiring as we walked through the toy section and how would Santa know that he had to come to Costco to get it?

Every subsequent trip we made to Costco in October and November, Cole wanted to rush over to see if the Concrete Mixer was still there. There were fewer and fewer each visit and he was worried that there wouldn't be any left for Santa, since it was still a "long long time" until Christmas. I did my best to assuage his concern saying that Santa had elves that shopped early. We had also written Santa a letter just after Halloween (I just couldn't do it before then)to let him know that he wanted the Concrete Mixer.

Then Cole went to the Monster Truck Jam with Dave in mid-November and Cole's interest turned a 180 degrees. Everything was about Monster Trucks; Blue Thunder was his favorite but Captain's Curse and Grave Digger were close behind. He wanted a Monster Truck birthday cake/party theme. He talked EVERYDAY about crushing cars, vrooming his three small scale monster trucks all around the house. Then one day, he said, "mom, I want a BIG BLUE THUNDER monster truck for Christmas, I don't want the concrete mixer anymore" I said, well, we already wrote to Santa so we need to let him know that you changed your mind. I knew that we were going to see Santa after Thanksgiving at Tonkadale Nursery as he only visited two days there so you can tell him then!

The past three years, Cole had cowered and buried himself in my lap as we approached Santa. I thought briefly that maybe this year things would be different but alas he froze and refused to look at Santa, he mumbled his wishes with much prompting but another year, another shy little boy...who can really blame him? We ask a lot of kids as we teach them to be wary of strangers and yet we expect them to easily embrace a man with a beard and funny clothes who comes around once a year.

It got me thinking...maybe rather than Christmas arriving earlier and earlier every year over saturating us with holiday "cheer" before we have even enjoyed a Kit Kat, Whoppers or Snickers Bar, we need to get back to the basics and bring back the "magic" of Christmas, letting children "believe" in something much bigger than themselves, letting their imaginations create the joy and excitement that I remember feeling on Christmas morning...rather than diluting the "wonder" by having a holiday season that is 3 months in the making...