198 Posts and counting...

It has been four years since I sat down one afternoon in October 2007 as Cole napped and began this blog. Now incredibly, 198 posts later, I find myself full of pride as I review those original entries and reflect back to a time when I was a fledgling mother. I can feel the anxiety, the excitement, the fatigue, the joy and the overwhelming fear of the unknown ooze from my words. As I continue to read, I "hear" more confidence as well as more confusion. The pride I speak of as I read through these 198 posts is more about how much I realize (much in retrospect) how I have slowly grown into my "mom" shoes. Much like breaking in a new pair of running shoes, I felt out of step and off my pace when I became Cole's mom, I was on a path never traveled and without direction; so many times I felt lost and exhausted. However, I have found my groove and rhythm as a parent as best as I can at any given moment and can forge my way comfortably now even when I don't know where I may end up.

As I read through these posts, I was surprised at how diluted and weak many of my memories were and so grateful that I have taken the time to capture them here. I do still vividly remember being constantly challenged by Cole's ability to change "the game" of parenthood and wondering when things might get easier. I finally have conceded as he approaches his fifth birthday that things don't necessarily get easier. Yes, Cole is self-sufficient in hundreds of ways now but his curiosity and queries about the world, people, his emotions and the darker side of life keeps a not so subtle continuous train of thought chugging through my conscience. It is my desire as a parent to ensure I give him enough of a response (or information) during these conversations to be truthful and honest without bestowing my own personal choices or opinions on him. I want to enable Cole to form his own impressions about the aforementioned and that is a tricky and pot-holed filled road. So no, parenthood does not get easier, it continually morphs, ensuring that I have plenty of things to write about in years to come.