Contemplation...

To contemplate is defined by Webster's as "to look at or view with continued attention; observe thoughtfully; reflect upon; consider deliberately".

At one time in my not so distance past I used to contemplate quite often while running or walking Tucker or while just sitting outside enjoying pleasant weather. Those times would allow me to focus on one idea or thought instead of the thousands that continually play ping pong in my brain and cause me to be restless 90% of my waking hours. I could also become fully engaged with the time and place that I was in wherever that might be. These instances would slow my mind from wandering into the future where it normally was planted or from trying to digest the scattered pieces of this thing or that. I would return refreshed and less stressed if only for a brief hour or so.

One of the obstacles I have found myself dealing with as a stay at home mom to Cole who is demanding of my attention nearly 16 hours a day is the lack of time I have to just be. Just be alone, just be with my thoughts, just be me! Having very limited personal space both physically and emotionally takes its toll. I have sacrificed many things in order to be the best mom I know how to be. I do that without regret. But that doesn't mean that I don't miss some of the simple freedoms I had before I took on the responsibility of motherhood.

I wish I had more time to sit and ponder (or just sit really!) It is hard to do that when you have to fit it into an unpredictable day with a 17 month old who races around exploring every corner of every room finding trouble where I thought there wasn't any and only naps one hour a day. I realize I should just take that hour to myself but it is so hard to do that when all the other "things" that are on the TO DO list taunt me. I have never been strong at relaxing (unless I'm on a beach). Cole begins Montessori next week and I should be reveling in the "free time" it will give me. I sit here writing this post about wanting to contemplate more and yet I have already created a task list for things that I want to do around the house that are nearly impossible to do with curious Cole shadowing my every move.

I need to find my personal balance again and use the opportunity of Cole beginning school as the catalyst for doing so. It is important to my well being to find that as our routine changes. My problem is that I feel guilty for thinking about taking eighteen hours a week "off" for a month or so, gloriously six uninterrupted hours a day three days a week. It makes me sound (and feel) like a lazy blob. I know it is well earned after spending the past year and half working overtime but my need for purpose and agenda consumes my desire to sit around and read a book, catch some sun or go for a run returning to take a leisurely shower. So I have to shake the guilt and as NIKE would say JUST DO IT and spend some time just musing again.

P.S. The picture of Cole with this POST gave me the impetus to write about this topic. I learn something from him every day. I am blessed and oh so lucky to have him as my teacher in life.